Minimal Motivation at Work, No Interest in Project
July 10, 2018
This morning was quite a depressing and eye-opening day. I sat staring at my computer screen looking over the same document and same design circuits I have been looking at for the last 5-6 months. I realized that I no longer have any interest in the project I am working on, I have no motivation to make sure it is successful and I am not happy at work. I was literally just staring at the computer screen as my eyes went in and out of focus of what I was looking at.
I have no personal grudge or objection to my current or past managers, but I believe their behavior and attitude of how they should treat young employees is misguided. Last Friday, we had a dry-run of our deep dive presentations with my old manager. One of my co-workers was on a rotation program and she will be returning to the group on Monday. During her presentation, my old manager grilled her the whole time. "Do you know anything about your product? Is your [lack of knowledge] because the design information is confidential or because you didn't ask? Why didn't you ask your team for details?" I could see she was visibly uncomfortable during the whole thing and I felt uncomfortable as well.
This type of demeaning behavior is unacceptable and if I were her, I would have a lot of hesitance about rejoining the group. This is one of the reasons that I believe I have lost motivation. A few months ago, I attributed my attitude and frustration/exhaustion at work to burnout and disagreement with my co-workers. However, I think I have reached a point where I am not even burnt out anymore, I simply don't want to work on this project or in this environment anymore. The only hesitation I have about leaving immediately is my fear of becoming unemployed for an extended duration. I also have concern that I may not find a job I truly have an interest in. Do I want to stay in the semiconductor field? What if I have a bad work environment at my new job? A very scary and valid concerns I think.
I found and applied for a research position at UTD yesterday. It is a Biomedical Research Engineer position and sounds promising. I think it is a good blend of hardware development, software development, as well as has a good and well-defined purpose behind its work. This may be just the type of position that suits me at least at this point in my life. It is not too intense in any one area and I can really put my hard work behind a good cause that I can see directly. The problem with my current work is even if I decide to drudge through and grind away until the end of the year, I see no impact. I see no benefit from my work. Only as some others put it "making someone else's dream come true".
My current manager is also trying to load on an additional project to me on top of my main project. This project is more programming and hardware checkout based which at least is a small breath of fresh air from the main project. Of course my manager said this should not affect the schedule of my main project at all, which obviously is an unreasonable and unmanageable request. I'm just hoping I can slowly push through for a few more weeks before I can get an offer from another position.
I really do hope that I can find a new position that I will enjoy and that can sustain my career. I am trying really hard at this time to focus on finding a job I can be passionate about rather than just an escape from my current position. However, after today I am not sure how long I can hope for this ideal situation. I may just need to quit immediately just to regain my mental health and focus on myself for a month. Luckily, Trang seems to support me fully in whatever decision I choose and encourages me to keep trying. I will try my best to support her as well as she has a similar stress at work.
I guess I am having kind of a pre-midlife career crisis and I hope in the future my career can remain stable and fulfilling. This not only will bring my mental and physical balance, but will help me lead a fulfilling life with some purpose behind what I do.
Cheers
This morning was quite a depressing and eye-opening day. I sat staring at my computer screen looking over the same document and same design circuits I have been looking at for the last 5-6 months. I realized that I no longer have any interest in the project I am working on, I have no motivation to make sure it is successful and I am not happy at work. I was literally just staring at the computer screen as my eyes went in and out of focus of what I was looking at.
I have no personal grudge or objection to my current or past managers, but I believe their behavior and attitude of how they should treat young employees is misguided. Last Friday, we had a dry-run of our deep dive presentations with my old manager. One of my co-workers was on a rotation program and she will be returning to the group on Monday. During her presentation, my old manager grilled her the whole time. "Do you know anything about your product? Is your [lack of knowledge] because the design information is confidential or because you didn't ask? Why didn't you ask your team for details?" I could see she was visibly uncomfortable during the whole thing and I felt uncomfortable as well.
This type of demeaning behavior is unacceptable and if I were her, I would have a lot of hesitance about rejoining the group. This is one of the reasons that I believe I have lost motivation. A few months ago, I attributed my attitude and frustration/exhaustion at work to burnout and disagreement with my co-workers. However, I think I have reached a point where I am not even burnt out anymore, I simply don't want to work on this project or in this environment anymore. The only hesitation I have about leaving immediately is my fear of becoming unemployed for an extended duration. I also have concern that I may not find a job I truly have an interest in. Do I want to stay in the semiconductor field? What if I have a bad work environment at my new job? A very scary and valid concerns I think.
I found and applied for a research position at UTD yesterday. It is a Biomedical Research Engineer position and sounds promising. I think it is a good blend of hardware development, software development, as well as has a good and well-defined purpose behind its work. This may be just the type of position that suits me at least at this point in my life. It is not too intense in any one area and I can really put my hard work behind a good cause that I can see directly. The problem with my current work is even if I decide to drudge through and grind away until the end of the year, I see no impact. I see no benefit from my work. Only as some others put it "making someone else's dream come true".
My current manager is also trying to load on an additional project to me on top of my main project. This project is more programming and hardware checkout based which at least is a small breath of fresh air from the main project. Of course my manager said this should not affect the schedule of my main project at all, which obviously is an unreasonable and unmanageable request. I'm just hoping I can slowly push through for a few more weeks before I can get an offer from another position.
I really do hope that I can find a new position that I will enjoy and that can sustain my career. I am trying really hard at this time to focus on finding a job I can be passionate about rather than just an escape from my current position. However, after today I am not sure how long I can hope for this ideal situation. I may just need to quit immediately just to regain my mental health and focus on myself for a month. Luckily, Trang seems to support me fully in whatever decision I choose and encourages me to keep trying. I will try my best to support her as well as she has a similar stress at work.
I guess I am having kind of a pre-midlife career crisis and I hope in the future my career can remain stable and fulfilling. This not only will bring my mental and physical balance, but will help me lead a fulfilling life with some purpose behind what I do.
Cheers
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