Struggles with Self-Worth and Self-Confidence(Again...I know)

Checking in again after another break in writing. I know like I sound like a broken record here(especially as I look back at my previous post throughout the years), but I have been struggling a lot lately when it comes to career satisfaction and how it affects my view of my own self-worth. 

Reading back on my last post, I was excited to start my new job as I saw it as an opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone and learn new things. It is true I have learned an immense amount by joining my new company. I have learned a lot of test and measurement equipment usage and skills, how to verify new PCBA designs, how to load and use custom firmware, how to work with external vendors to develop custom automated test solutions, etc. Overall, I have become much more confident in using electronic test equipment and am very happy about that!

However, over the last few months and especially the last few weeks I have been struggling greatly with my own sense of self-worth. 

Talking with my wife unearthed quite a deep hole of where these issues stem from. Here are a few points I have realized through our discussions:

    1) My perception of my own self-worth comes from seeking the approval of others and my fear of disappointment. I feel that if I cannot meet the expectations of others(especially when it comes to my work), they will be disappointed. In turn, their disappointment will lead to questioning of whether they made the right decision in hiring me to begin with. I put too much of my self-value in how others view me. Sounds like a classic case of Imposter Syndrome right?

    2) My self-confidence and self-worth is dependent on receiving positive feedback from those who reside in a higher "status" than me(ie. management). The lack of feedback or even the presence of constructive feedback immediately triggers the crumbling of my own self-confidence and I begin to doubt my capabilities and my performance.

    3) I struggle to ask for support or guidance especially in situations where I have little visibility into what I should even be asking. The ambiguity of certain tasks or projects or procedures makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I feel frozen and my mind goes blank as I struggle to identify what are the next steps I should take. When I don't have a clear path forward, I start to hesitate and struggle to make decisions. Contrarily, I excel in situations where the task is clear and I know exactly what needs to be done. 

    4) When I am assigned tasks in areas where I have no experience, I find it difficult to immediately bring this deficiency up with my management for fear of looking incapable. However, this leads to management thinking that the task is understood and the objective is clear. Ironically, this silence may end up disappointing management anyways if / when I fail to deliver a successful outcome.

    5) I struggle to say "no" to certain tasks and end up picking up a lot of low visibility / low value work. This ends up taking time and focus away from my main deliverables and activities.

    6) I have realized that a lot of my own high expectations that I set for myself is a result of my increase in title / compensation that started ~2 years ago. Previously, my title and pay was much lower and as a result, even if I had these insecurities previously, they did not come to light because I did not have as high expectations on myself. Now that my title and compensation have increased drastically(maybe even too quickly), the self-imposed expectations further exacerbates my struggles above.

It's really hard to look back on my previous posts where I challenge myself to hopefully overcome all of the career and personal struggles I mention above and to improve my situation. Yet here I am 2 years later in arguably a worse state than I was before. 

My wife has suggested I start looking for a therapist(she's probably tired of seeing me like this; and I'm tired of being so depressing around her). I do agree that I probably need some professional help here.

I'm sure there are countless other people who have similar struggles. I'm not sure if this post was just to vent and put my thoughts down on paper, but maybe some readers can understand and identify with the experiences I describe.

I will continue this year to try to improve this aspect of my life and hopefully end up in a much more positive situation.

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On another less depressing topic, my family and I have been considering a longer term career break(maybe 6months) to live overseas and spend time with family. Financially, we could afford it but we are more concerned with the logistics. 

Who will watch over our house? Will we struggle to find employment when returning? What if we enjoy our experience and want to extend it to a year?

Our main goals for this experience would be to explore other career paths, maybe learn a new language, finish a graduate degree, and expose our daughter to other cultures.

I'm not sure how the timeline of this idea aligns with where my career will head in the next year, but it's something my wife is really looking forward to as she will be able to spend much more quality time with her family after being constrained to barely 2 weeks of vacation time every other year for the past 10 years. 

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After my achievement of running 1000 miles in 2022, I followed it up with running a grand total of 20 miles in 2023. By the end of the year, I had gained back the ~12lbs I had previously lost and was shocked to see the state of my body in the mirror. 

This year I promised myself to get back in shape and have started running every other day again. I try to squeeze in some light weightlifting on my non-run days as that was something I did not do in 2023.

Running has been a great stress reliever for me and really gives me a feeling of accomplishment and control. Would highly recommend it to anyone thinking of starting!

Anyways, I feel this post is starting to ramble on a bit so I'm going to cut it short here! Thanks for being a listening ear if you made it this far.

Cheers