More Life Updates and Self-Reflections

Again, it's been awhile since my last entry, but again I feel the need to jot down my thoughts and to reflect on my life at this point in time. 

A lot has changed again since my last update. Earlier this year I started a new job which I thought at the time would be a great new chapter of my life. I had achieved what I was working towards for many years: a higher title and a higher salary. Great! All is right in the world!

However, as I soon found out(and what my much more wise wife has told me) money cannot solve all problems. 

I originally took this role because the salary was a huge increase(50%!) and I thought that with my background I would be able to succeed in this role with minimal issue. However, this job has proven much more challenging than I expected. 

It is working on the development side from inception of a product, through full test proposal, through implementation and release. The full life-cycle of a product. I do not have experience in such an extensive project, my past work was mostly focused on the sustaining of an already released solution. It is challenging in many ways: aligning with design teams, communicating and trying to coordinate activities with engineers overseas(while balancing time zone differences), and trying to learn the process and release checklists/documentations, etc.

There are quite a few work challenges which are also not even tied to the work itself:

1) 99% of my team is in Europe. This has proven difficult to request and receive support(which is heavily needed in order to provide me proper training)

2) I do not have any test equipment locally. All of my debugging and test solution validation must be done remotely and through the help and support of a local engineer at the release site.

3) Early morning and late evening meetings or calls are not so frequent, but even so they start to become tiring and blend into life "outside" of work. 

4) Dealing with engineers who have superiority complexes has proven to still be very disdainful for me and I still struggle with how to interact with them and stand up for myself.

Overall, I feel quite isolated from my team and quite incapable of performing my job well.

This has led me to realize to I also put a huge amount of my own self-worth in how well I can perform my job. Any type of slip in schedule, delay in finding a solution, question asked on how to complete a document; all of these make me feel incompetent and like a failure. Obviously, this is not a healthy relationship with work and I really need to put a deliberate and focused effort on changing my mindset and mental reaction to these situations. That of course is easier said than done. I really do hope that in the coming months/years I can shift my perspective and relationship with work into a positive and much more enjoyable experience. I cannot blame all my stress and anxiety on the work itself.

Next year, after receiving my remaining bonus/payouts, I will re-evaluate how I want my career to progress and not focus only on the compensation portion. I need to find value in the work I do as well as be comfortable with the fact that I will not always excel at what I do...and that's ok.

On a positive note, my relationship with my wife and daughter remains strong and growing. Our daughter is now just over 14months old and has started walking a few weeks ago. Other parents warned us about this stage in a babies' development and they were right! She is flying all over the house and we struggle to keep up with her. But I love seeing her grow and interact with us more. She is truly growing into her own personality and I am so happy when I can spend time with her.

As I re-evaluate and re-focus on where I want my life to be in the next few years, I encourage myself and others to take time to look inwards. I think this kind of mental exercise is a healthy outlet to identify the deeper root cause of issues and have a defined path forward on how to overcome them.

Cheers.